Teenage Tragedy

Let me preface this page with “this is NOT something I’ve felt able to share until just recently although it happened 40+ years ago.” Many of my family and friends have not even known, so I apologize to them for not sharing it before, but I simply couldn’t. 

But by God’s grace . . . . . . .                            

After MorMor died, my mind “felt like” I had no one to love me anymore. I started, as they say, “looking for love in all the wrong places”.  As a result, I ended up in a real mess – when I had to tell my mother that I was going to have a baby, she did NOT handle it too well. Roe vs. Wade had just passed, and as a minor I had no choice whatsoever when it came to the decision that was made for me (and my child).  I wrote a poem about it, actually, again, not shared but with a very few . . . and they were sworn to secrecy. (I’m including it here instead of in the poems section since this where it truly belongs.)

On my back, legs in stirrups

in a cold bright room of white

I recall a bitter memory

where I was filed with fright.

At a hospital in California

awake, eyes open wide

in pain and deep confusion

I watched my baby die.

From me into a jar of glass

his little body flew

pieces of my precious child

the son I never knew.

This time of very physical pain

lasted only but a while

yet the ghost of this dear child

still haunts me with his cry.

“Mommy, oh, why, Mommy

did you let them take me away?

I know you cared and loved me,

why didn’t you let me stay?”

Reaching back inside myself

• imagination wild –

I hold within my arms

a beautiful little child.

I reassure him of my love

choking sobs in my voice

I tell him (and myself)

I really had no choice.