Let me preface this page with “this is NOT something I’ve felt able to share until just recently although it happened 40+ years ago.” Many of my family and friends have not even known, so I apologize to them for not sharing it before, but I simply couldn’t.
But by God’s grace . . . . . . .
After MorMor died, my mind “felt like” I had no one to love me anymore. I started, as they say, “looking for love in all the wrong places”. As a result, I ended up in a real mess – when I had to tell my mother that I was going to have a baby, she did NOT handle it too well. Roe vs. Wade had just passed, and as a minor I had no choice whatsoever when it came to the decision that was made for me (and my child). I wrote a poem about it, actually, again, not shared but with a very few . . . and they were sworn to secrecy. (I’m including it here instead of in the poems section since this where it truly belongs.)
On my back, legs in stirrups
in a cold bright room of white
I recall a bitter memory
where I was filed with fright.
At a hospital in California
awake, eyes open wide
in pain and deep confusion
I watched my baby die.
From me into a jar of glass
his little body flew
pieces of my precious child
the son I never knew.
This time of very physical pain
lasted only but a while
yet the ghost of this dear child
still haunts me with his cry.
“Mommy, oh, why, Mommy
did you let them take me away?
I know you cared and loved me,
why didn’t you let me stay?”
Reaching back inside myself
- imagination wild –
I hold within my arms
a beautiful little child.
I reassure him of my love
choking sobs in my voice
I tell him (and myself)
I really had no choice.
Even though the Lord and I walked through this together a LONG time ago . . and although I KNOW that the healing of my heart was done . . . although I KNOW forgiveness . . . this weekend at a conference I met up with a lady who had a ministry towards those who have walked down this dark path . . . she provided booties/shoes and a note card attached so we could put down our note to our child / children . . . now THAT brought incredible healing that I did not even know I needed! Praise God for His faithfulness in always knowing what we do have need of, even if we don’t!
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