Musings . . . am I a killer?

Published May 6, 2014 by birdieklh

destroyed Yesterday I was actually pondering past “lost” relationships, and thought of the title “confessions of a killer”, but that would have been a bit much, I believe.


In my pondering I asked the Lord, “why” there had been devastating loss of certain relationships.

I had come across a photo of a (former) friend, one whom I had been very close with in the past, on social media. My heart was glad when I saw how wonderful she looked – happy, healthy – I decided to take a chance and I popped her a note. I let her know that she looked great, that I missed her very much, and that she was always in my heart. She did acknowledge me, that was good, but that was as far as it went.

I asked God – why were some things said taken SO totally differently than intended, and why could there still seem to be no reconciliation even now, years later, although I have tried several times. There is a great sadness inside of me for this continued loss. All I can do is be faithful to lift her up in prayer. Perhaps some day, but it is hard to say – years have gone by over simple misunderstandings. It is hard to accept.

He reminded me that no matter how hard we may try, people do have free will and can make the choice to 1) receive an offense, even if one was never intentionally thrown at them, 2) refuse to hear/accept truth, 3) determine to hold a grudge, even if it is unfounded, 4) reject our attempts at reconciliation, forgiveness, etc.

Unfortunately, that relationship wasn’t the only one. There was one REALLY hard break from a church – several folk went one way, others another way. I still keep  in touch with some from both sides, but the wounding  is still there when I think on it.

Then there is a pastor and his wife (we once worked so closely together – now a part of my heart is still with them, but never to be joined again with the part of my heart that is still with me) . . .  numerous attempts at reconciliation, but to no avail.

I realized, intentional or not, I was an active participant in killing. The killing things that were, and are now no longer.

We speak words every day.

Words are powerful.

But even  when we believe that we have spoken good words, or at least nothing negative or hurtful, they can sometimes be twisted around and received in the wrong way. And, there are times that we DO say things that cause wounding – deep wounding – to others. We may not have realized it at the time we spoke them, but in retrospect, we can see the other person’s point of view and why they received our words the way they did.

However it happened, damage was done.

A friendship was destroyed.

A dream was killed.

We’ve murdered a relationship.

It is true that we all have forgiveness in Christ, and my love and prayers for these former relationships remain, but the reconciliation has not manifest . . . they choose not to receive it. They chose, instead, to cling to the things that they perceived as wrongs against them.

It IS their choice –

I can not force them to know my heart.

I can not force them to accept me back into their lives.restored

I have confessed my wrong – I have even confessed and asked forgiveness for the perception of wrongs they felt I had done.

I know I stand clean, forgiven and in accepted in Christ, but before them, I may never be. I must accept their choices.

It may always hurt, but that is my choice – to continue loving them, praying for them, asking God to bless their lives, their ministries, their families. Prayers for health, prosperity, protection.

And yes, I continue to pray for reconciliation – one day it will come – if not here on Earth, in Heaven.

(c) klh 4Given Ministries


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